A sheet of paper torn out of spiral notebook…A number two a pencil with the eraser worn…
And a hope for love.
“Do you love me?”
Check: ___ Yes Or ___No
With every pass of the note, another anxious inhale and exhale. Across the room, opened, marked and then back again. I would try to predict the answer before it ever reached me. Hoping for the best, but secretly, expecting the worst.
Carefully, as to not be detected by the teacher, I would smooth out the folded paper. With each turn, I was closer to the answer. Until finally, it was revealed. An added box with an x inside.
Although, it wasn’t a “no” it still felt like rejection in my second grade heart. There were conditions. Things I needed to change. Before I was worthy of the love of another.
Fast forward 30 years.
The document wasn’t scrawled on notebook paper. It was an official document. There were no blanks for “yes” or “maybe” but the entire document screamed, “You aren’t worthy of this love.” I signed my name and took the title of divorced.
For years now, I’ve tried to pretend that Valentine’s Day didn’t bother me. Like I wasn’t at all upset that I didn’t get flowers or candy…or even a card that let me know that someone cared. Valentine’s Day just felt like the “No” blank was permanently checked.
So, if you are trying to ignore the bright red flowers sitting on a co-workers desk…or the balloons delivered to the neighbor…or the dinner out that no one will treat you to…I know where you are.
This day is hard. I'm not going to try to erase the pain with careless words or clever anecdotes. I know how hard it can be.
But, I also know that the love that left me lonely does not compare to the love that will not let me go.
And I'm praying that you will know that same love today. If you want to send me a private message, I would be honored to pray for you by name. firstname.lastname@example.org
You are loved.
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